Ever have one of those days where you just feel like crying and eating everything in sight? Well that was me today…..at work. Lets just say my day started with an awful meeting causing me to cry quietly at my desk for a solid hour our two followed by our holiday Christmas “sweets and app” party where I had 5 (not kidding) plates of food. Oh, and people also commented on why I had so many plates…..so there’s that. I wanted to scream “I had a
bad day month, I need comforting food, but instead I said I don’t like my food to touch and I like to try a little bit of everything…. HA more like a whole lot of everything.
To be honest, since I was sick around Thanksgiving and then having to return to Columbus after, I have been depressed. I was so upset to have to leave my family and go back to a city where I am alone. In college, I loved seeing my family for a weekend then returning back and was never home sick. I guess thats because I had friends, a sorority, parties, and excitment to look forward too. Now, my most exciting part of my day is lifting heavier weights at body pump then I did the time before. Of course, the depression brought on
some binge eating when my roommate brought home a cheese-cake and I was feeling low when my “friend” decided to ditch me last minute when I was looking forward to our plans all day. I managed to have pad tie, a protein mug cake, greek yogurt, 1/2 banana / almond butter, quest bar, and more cheesecake all in one sitting. Oh and 2 glasses of wine.
It’s like I start my day off strong with healthy eating and workouts, but one little thing kicks my depression into high gear and I begin to break down. I guess you would say I am very fragile right now. I am second guessing my whole moving away to a city where I know no one / the field I am working in / and keep asking myself why am I not perusing my passions in nutrition and fitness? So when one more little thing happens that upsets me, I get triggered more. I can honestly say I am not happy, I have over worked myself in the gym, I keep over working myself to battle the binge eating and depression my body is telling me I have, and I am high level stressed at work because of the lack of employees around the holidays / me being a new employee and not having any time off and having to cover everyone. Also, being the holidays and me not being anywhere but home is adding to my depression. All I want to is to eat and cry. How sad is that?
I’m stuck and I do not know what to do. I have less then 2 months to be considered past my probation period and I can start discussing promotions and advancements at work, but my mental health is extremely low. I have complete passion for fitness and health, and this depression is hurting it at an all-time high. For example, last night after being upset and eating more dessert then I needed too (damn cheesecake), I woke up super early to hit the gym for extra cardio when I need the extra sleep. I also planned body pump for after work, but after eating so many cookies and apps at work today and being extremely upset, I just want to go home and vent to my mom. Yet, I know when I go home I am going to regret that I didn’t hit the gym again to burn those calories off. I know I need to gain weight anyways because it has been extremely low from being sick over Thanksgiving, but I promised myself I would do this the healthy way. Because of this depression, I really have not. I do not have a social life because I graduated early and all my friends are still in college or back home near my family, so that also adds to me being extremely upset where I am. I just don’t know what to do anymore.
Deep down inside I know my all-time dream would be to get my group fitness instructor certification, then personal trainer certification, work part time training and then attend school to be a wellness coach. So everyday when I am at the gym or reading bloggers lives who are living my dream, I ask myself why am I not doing this? Why? I’m scared, I am only 21 and people say I “have my whole life ahead of me”, but frankly I don’t think that is true.
I would love some advice, some comfort to make me feel better about depression / eating too much around the Holidays / having a mid-life crisis.
Thanks for letting me vent,